Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything." ~ Steven Wright
This year's gala is the biggest yet! Snap up tickets to see 7 comedians at an incredible price
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Steven Wright
St Joes is determined to make this a 30pt win.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Steven Wright
.On the other hand,. you have different fingers. ~ Steven Wright ~
.I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' ~ Steven Wright ~
14-46 FG. 3-16 from three. It's a head game by this point.
Oliver a rebound away from a double-double.
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen." Steven Wright
they very briefly broke 30! Then obviously lost it. Meantime, SJU is still over 60
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.- Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright
Steven Wright~ When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me Did you sleep
If it makes UD fans feel better, Xavier players apparently just got in another fight at halftime of its game.
UD 8-30 FG and 2-11 3pt. SJU 15-24 FG and 4-6 3pt. UD had 11 offensive rebounds, but can't imagine the second chance points were very high.
Roberts and Wilson both have 11 for SJU. down 19 at the half.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.Steven Wright
Not getting calls not playing d because u are waiting on them loose u games.
""I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright". Sounds like my garage!! Lol :)
It's pretty impressive Oliver has six rebounds with SJU not missing and all.
“I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” — Steven Wright
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
Steven Wright I miss you baby so much. )':
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright LOL
A lady just asked me the time and I told her what time it was. Should of did the Steven wright bit and said " I'm not from around here"
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
"Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't sponges in it." - Steven Wright
Re: Arizona I personally believe that sexual orientation, race, hair color, age, and every other possible demographic statistic should all be legal justification for a PRIVATE entity to refuse service to another person. The outrage in Arizona, to me, is that they're wasting time and tax dollars on such a frivolous bill. A *** business owner should be able to refuse service to a Westboro Baptist and a fundamentalist should be able to send away unwed mothers. These are PRIVATE businesses, not critical infrastructures. This is not the school playground and there is no rule that we all have to get along, NOR SHOULD THERE BE. We are a relatively civilized nation and negotiating our own disputes is our right AND our responsibility. Also, why is AZ getting all this LGBT attention when I haven't heard a peep about Uganda? Also, Steven Wright, to equate this law with Jim Crow laws is quite simply hyperbolic speech. For the most part JC laws MANDATED segregation. This one simply protects a private business owner' . ...
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. (Steven Wright)
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. (Steven Wright)
Steven Wright, who tied for the PawSox team lead in wins in 2013, had surgery on a sports hernia earlier this month and will not be available for the Red Sox or PawSox until around May. The knuckle...
Ok Steven Wright I will let the snow request slid cause its your birthday .enjoy it was great to see u too
I was interviewed yesterday for a documentary on death. (As many of you know, I grew up in a funeral home.) The film maker mentioned that he would be interviewing me to his friend, comedian Steven Wright, who said, "Ask him if they have diet formaldehyde."
Laughing with a headache. Irony at it's zenith, I think. There are only 1,043 things that I'd rather be doing, than working, today. But, alas (and I always love saying alas) I am quite fortunate to be able to have a good job to come to each day. I'll chalk that one up with the many other reasons to be thankful, and leave you with the words of Steven Wright: "Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have the time." Enjoy your day.
Quotes of the Day "To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!"-H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) "Some people will never learn anything because they understand everything too soon."-Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744) "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made."-Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944) "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."-Steven Wright (1955 - )
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? My nephew has HDADD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear. If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? Steven Wright
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." - Steven Wright
Steven Wright hey bro love u and so proud where u come thru. Be blessed. Did u hear that.Happy Birthday
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." - Steven Wright
Kristylee Cox Steven Wright what would you two do if you caught your daughter/son doing this?
There are two types of fisherman - those who fish for sport and those who fish for fish. ~Author Unknown Fishing is the sport of drowning worms. ~Author Unknown [T]his planet is covered with sordid men who demand that he who spends time fishing shall show returns in fish. ~Leonidas Hubbard, Jr. A bad day of fishing is better than a good day of work. ~Author Unknown May the holes in your net be no larger than the fish in it. ~Irish Blessing I fish better with a lit cigar; some people fish better with talent. ~Nick Lyons, Bright Rivers, 1977 All the romance of trout fishing exists in the mind of the angler and is in no way shared by the fish. ~Harold F. Blaisdell, The Philosophical Fisherman, 1969 There is certainly something in angling that tends to produce a serenity of the mind. ~Washington Irving Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. ~Ernest Hemingway The fishing was good; it was the catching that w ...
Working *** this training, will be set up full speed in no time. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. – Steven Wright
I hate seeing my mom cry she's worried sick about me and Steven Wright might be going to jail tommarow. I love you momma forever you have busted your *** off for us all 7 kids but the good side is were be okay but anyways I love you do. Not forget that... Sandra Taylor Nikkie Taylor jessica taylor and Christopher Wright me steven wright zackary wright
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have time." -Steven Wright
When I want to quit, I always remember these hard work quotes. They inspired me and I hope these quotes about hard work can also inspire you. 1. If people only knew how hard I work to gain my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all. ~ Michelangelo 2. “Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds.” ~ Gordon B. Hinckley 3. If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. ~ Lane Kirkland 4. “Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.” – J. Paul Getty 5. Work hard in silence, let success make the noise. 6. If you work hard, you will get every where you need to be. ~ Tamela Jaeger 7. There is no substitute for hard work. - Thomas Alwa Edison 8. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard work. – Bille Baty 9. Work hard in present to be happy in future. Time is running out. Sometimes people have to be reminded how great they are. – Torin Rush 10. “For every two minutes of glamour, there are eight hours of hard work.” – .. ...
"I spilled spot-remover on my dog, and now he's gone" --Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? - Steven Wright
A daydream is a meal at which images are eaten. Some of us are gourmets, some gourmands, and a good many take their images precooked out of a can and swallow them down whole, absent-mindedly and with little relish. ~W.H. Auden How many of our daydreams would darken into nightmares, were there a danger of their coming true! ~Logan Pearsall Smith, Afterthoughts He does not need opium. He has the gift of reverie. ~Anais Nin To lose one's self in reverie, one must be either very happy, or very unhappy. Reverie is the child of extremes. ~Antoine Rivarol Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow When ideas float in our mind without any reflection or regard of the understanding, it is that which the French call revery, our language has scarce a name for it. ~John Locke I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~Steven Wright All religions will pass, but this will remain: simply sitting in a chair and l ...
"They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic." -Steven Wright
Can't wait till fri off too see anni Mac with Luke Grady Steven Wright Karl Howse Ben Boscott!
Congratulations to Steven Wright and Amelia Johnson on the birth of your son.Oscar he is so lush and u both will make amazing parents we'll done both of you lobe Donna Loving Randall Dave Randall and kids xxx
Quotes: "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin "As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it." - Buddy Hackett "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." - Isaac Asimov "I don't deserve this award - but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny "If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein "I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." - Paula Poundstone "I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin "I had a rose named after me, but the description in the catalog was a bit upsetting: 'No good in a bed, fine against a wall.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching TV in the dark." - George Gobel "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." - Voltaire "I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." - W.C. Fields ...
Make sure your 'concern radar' isn't off balance. Case in point: "I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." - Steven Wright
The weather was great here over the weekend and there were fishermen at the lake. Reminded me of this quote from comedian Steven Wright. " There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an *** "
BJOTD -- February 24, 2014 (Tomorrow is the "yesterday" of the day after tomorrow. And so on. So if someone says they want something done "yesterday," you should ask which one.) Every night I go home and I stare at my rug, and I try to move it using telekinesis. I've been doing that every night for eight years, and the rug hasn't moved an inch. The rest of the house is gone. -- Steven Wright
Spent an amazing time in washington celebrating randys grandmothers life, rip you will be missed, also got to meet tyler, randys oldest son for the first time, what an amazing young man he is. Also we got to see and spend time with the rest of his amazing family, a BIG thankyou to Steven Wright and Diana Swisher for EVERYTHING you guys are awesome and we love you!
Mr. Stone,this is for you. remember when we used to write Steven Wright type of jokes? what do think of this one? (in your head,in his delivery)- I was watching General Hospital the other day and went to make a phone call. i accidentally dialed on the remote. the doctor on the TV picked up, so i talked to him for a few minutes. now he's going to send me a bill.(Steve, if you're listening in, you can have this one).
Comedian Steven Wright once said, "Monday is a terrible way to spend 1/7th of your life." We disagree. 3 tacos for .99 cents begins at 4pm today, and that's enough to make Mondays alright.
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life." — Steven Wright We are CLOSED today for lunch due to a mechanical emergency in the building! We apologize and thank you for understanding! Have a wonderful Monday, everyone!
'I intend to live forever. So far, so good!' Steven Wright
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller. - Steven Wright
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm" -Steven Wright
From a friend who's a cross between Steven Wright and Andy Rooney: "Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning. Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight". LOL
Who needs a quick Sunday laugh? "I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter." Steven Wright
“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.” – Steven Wright.
Today we explore two of the most amazing coincidences in American history. These coincidences occurred one hundred years apart. I have yet to decide which coincidence ranks as number one. Each coincidence defies all odds. _ Coincidence Number One _ In July of 1861, an enormous Confederate army marched onto a Virginia farmer's land. That farmer was Wilmer McClain. Union forces attempted to stop the forward progress of the rebel army. These actions resulted in the first major battle of the Civil War, known as Bull Run. Imagine the look on this poor guy's face thirteen months later in August of 1862 when the first episode repeated itself. Thirteen months later, history repeated itself in the same place, resulting in the second battle of Bull Run. That rarest of events was an oddity, but this story gets even better. Completely disgusted with the bloodshed and destruction of his farm, Mr. McClain loaded two large wagons with what remained of his possessions, and moved two hundred miles away. Now for the fun pa ...
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright
"I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." - Steven Wright
"I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4." ~ Steven Wright Its nice to see the world again through the eyes of a child.
In case you've never seen or heard Steven Wright, his method of delivery is very deadpan and in a monotone voice. Just imagine him saying these thing with absolutely no expression. You get the picture? It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I was an only child, eventually. I lost a button hole. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it' In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I ...
Steven Wright online resume, built with the LiveCareer resume builder.
Yesterday we had a good group of people who came my presentation and book signing at the New Carlisle, Library. People accidentally laughed at my humor, the humor of Steven Wright and some of my zany props. I told my audience I've often been asked if I could speak for fifteen or twenty minutes. I point out that being half Irish I have trouble speaking that short of a time. So yesterday went a bit over two hours and I had to stop since it was getting on to supper time. Sold some books and nobody paid the extra dollar so I WOULDN'T autograph theirs. Forgot to take pictures of all those who bought my book, darn it. So if any of you fit this description please contact me so I can catch up with you. Had fun. Looking forward to the next event.
“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.” –Steven Wright
Stop, Drop & Roll. Steven Wright, of Seminole County Fire and Rescue, was a guest speaker with Ms. Ryerson's class today. Students learned the rules of fire safety and had the chance to try on some fancy gear. The students (and staff) had a blast!SCPS Middle Schools
The color commentator for the biathlon and skiathlon makes Gus Johnson sound like Steven Wright.
I think she is getting a bit Steven Wright-esque. Pretty cool stuff kid
Just finished watching Mike Myers' 1993 film 'So I Married an Axe Murderer'. I saw it when it first came out, and it was pleasant enough, but it takes on a whole new dimension if you've seen any of the Shrek or Austin Powers movies made since. Meanwhile, Steven Wright (US comedian) and Phil Hartman (Simpsons) have cameos before they were famous enough to call their bit parts 'cameos', and our own Anthony LaPaglia is Myers' undercover cop sidekick. Even Kramer gets a look-in with perhaps the first sign of his knack for inappropriate rants! Worth the re-visit - I give it a 4...
I'm on a really great stand-up comedy show tonight, you'll see so many good jokes that it's crazy. Come support Todd Graham as he headlines at the LOT Comedy Club. He deserves it! p.s. If you don't know who Todd Graham is, which a lot of you might not, please think of him as Bob Newhart and Steven Wright co-starring in Full Metal Jacket.
This is a crappy list. I only knew half of the ones they mentioned. I guess the article doesn't say "EVERY Famous TV Character We Never Actually Saw" :0/ People came up with quite a few more, in the comments section. Charlie... from Charlie's Angels... Howard's Mom on Big Bang Theory... any adult in a Peanuts cartoon or animation... The character I was expecting to see on the list is Carlton the Doorman - from Rhoda (there are a lot of people commenting about him too). Back in the day, when we were actually watching the series as it aired, I always imagined him as looking like George Carlin or Cheech &/or Chong. Most likely because he was always drunk and sounded like a stoner. He also sounded a little like Kermit the Frog meets Steven Wright lol. The man who actually did the voice was Lorenzo Music. He had quite an interesting career. He died in 2001. There is a good bio in wikipedia about him. MTM Productions (Mary Tyler Moore) actually did a pilot for an animated series called "Carlton Your Doorma ...
Mike: That guys voice is so annoying. It's like Emo Phillips reading the bible. Me: I don't know. I might be interested in that one. Mike: ...or Jerry Lewis might me good, or Steven Wright, he'd be really good at the begats!!!
A fool and his money are soon partying.Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.Steven Wright
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.Steven Wright
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.Steven Wright
Black holes are where God divided by zero.- Steven Wright
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.Steven Wright
A review of The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steven Peters in here:
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance. -Steven Wright, comedi…
Half the people you know are below average.Steven Wright
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." - Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! ~Steven Wright
“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
.Scoochie Smith is on the front page of right now.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Steven Wright
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.Steven Wright
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.Steven Wright
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.Steven Wright
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.Steven Wright
Heard Adam's Steven Wright impression. Laughed so hard I slapped the table at the bar, injured my wrist. Was drinking Sprite.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.Steven Wright
Looking forward to some great shows next week! We have the great Steven Wright coming on and the guy that abuses...
What is Monty Williams doing in New Orleans? Another DNP for Brian Roberts tonight. Averages 14mins, 5.6pts, less than one TO.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.Steven Wright
"I can levitate birds but nobody cares." -Steven Wright
yes think my Angel Wilson, Justice & Steven Wright are comming home today,so i dont have to feel so alone :)
"Ya know, if heat always rises up, heaven may be hotter than *** " ~~Steven Wright~~ in a serious monotonous voice.
'If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?' Steven Wright
Steven Wright: I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
"If God dropped acid, would He see people?" ~Steven Wright
Had a great day today with Steven Wright took our Brodie pops to see Santa lol,so funny
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. ~Steven Wright
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
The great comedian, Steven Wright once said (in his dead pan delivery), “they say it’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it”. Sharon and I made it back home (from Las Vegas) on Saturday afternoon and spent Sunday walking around in a daze. Our plane took 5 hours to get us to our destination on Wednesday and only three hours to get us home Saturday (I figured it was because we were all broke and thus lighter)…or maybe the pilot that flew the plane home knew a shortcut. Its an interesting juxt of position to spend a few days in a town built on chance (gambling)…or as a security guard said, “a town built by losers” and come back home to hear all the latest prognosticators boasting about their latest scheme to “make it rain”….Believe me I heard a lot of people touting their “system” while sitting at the gaming tables and none of them seemed to work more than a few hours at best. In fact, on my first foray into the gambling dens I won $400.00. But in order to model my philoso ...
Bank Corner FC 2-1 Leighton FC Match Report: 1- Stefan Sproston 2- Pete Bell 3- Chris Tomkinson 4- Gaz Tomkinson 5- Steven Wright 6- Andrew Jewkes 7- Gareth Blackshaw 8- Tom Edwards (C) 9- Tom Wood 10- Mark Welsh 11- Adam Phipps SUBS 12- Lliam Hough 13- Nigel Vickers 14- Leon Payne Leighton went into the game weakened by injury and work commitments so it was a big loss when central defender Danny Beeston pulled out just before kick off. This saw centre midfielder Andrew Jewkes make his first start in 4 games due to injury himself and he played out of position in defence. The game started with Leighton penetrating Bank Corner and some good hold up play by Tom Wood saw the ball break loose for Adam Phipps to smash home to make it 0-1 within 30 seconds. 3 minutes in saw Leighton get a free kick in a dangerous position and Tom Edwards delivered a great ball into the box and the Bank Corner defender made a crucial intervention on the line. On 8 minutes Bank corner got a free kick on the half way line ...
Went to visit Steven Wright for the first time today. Wanted to have his blessing on my vest. OTR Prez we miss you so much you'd be so proud of what a family your club has become. R.I.P Steve my brother.
Just wanna say a massive thankyou to Steven Wright, Dawn Mackenzie and Shane Dunlavey for helping me put my Christmas decs up. Looking "Reem" even if i say so myself :) :) :) :) xx
I had to stop driving my car for awhile... the tires got dizzy. ~ Steven Wright
A point to ponder... If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you ~ Steven Wright
" I went to a place that said breakfast anytime so I ordered French toast from the Renaissance." ~ Steven Wright
Good Night last night with the lads Steven Wright & Michael Collins :D
So my mom just put an envelope filled with Steven Wright quotes on my desk, and they're all on separate slips of paper. So, in an exersize in delayed gratificaion, i will be reading one daily until i get through all of them, and i'll be posting the one that i read every day when i read it. Enjoy this venture into the frequently bizzare, and often funny mind of a legend.
Steven Wright will come if he has time
John Merriman chats with with Steven Wright at the Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas. | "Inside Joke" at the Moon...
Happy Birthday to the incomparable Steven Wright; 'The other day I got pulled over for speeding. The cop said "Did you realize you were in a 55 mph speed limit zone?" I said "Yes, but I wasn't planning on being out that long."
Disney History December 6, 1955: Actor Steven Wright the voice of Bootes in Hercules: The Series is born in New York City.
Happy Birthday to one of the best... Steven Wright.
Today's quote of the day is from birthday boy, Steven Wright: "I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody."
I love Stephen Wright! ~ I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. -Steven Wright
Steven Wright on the Craig Ferguson show May 21st, 2012
If I had to Stand-Up Battle you or Steve Martin. I don't want to be Steven Wright
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. ~ (George Carlin) - "I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it." (Jonathan Winters) - When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished. (Tommy Smothers) - My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. (Steven Wright) - “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand” (Mae West) - All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. (Red Skelton) - Wouldn't it be great if Elvis was reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator? (Demetri Martin)
Hunter: Tearing it up, busting my *** cutting my hairworth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny, ~Steven Wright
Rainn Wilson, Paul Reiser and Steven Wright are comedians who CAN'T WAIT for Omid Djalili!
MORE THOUGHTS, QUOTES & FUNNIES … for a Tuesday: (The Body/Health & Medicine continued): After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle. And then it occurred to me, I don’t have a lifestyle (David Letterman) God, my teeth itch! (Tommy Cooper) A miracle drug is any drug that will do what the label says it will do (Eric Hodgins) My friend, George, has false teeth – with braces on them (Steven Wright) I put on my spectacles for the first time & the insults started … ‘Four eyes! Goggle eyes! Joe 90!’ To which I replied, ‘Look, you’re not the only optician round here’ (Harry Hill) The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature effects the cure (Voltaire) I said to the dentist, ‘My teeth are going yellow’. He said, ‘Wear a brown necktie’ (Rodney Dangerfield) When I get a lot of tension & headaches I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two & keep away from children (Roseanne) So I went to the dentist. He said, ‘Say Aah’. I said, ‘Why?’ He s ...
. "If George Washington was alive today. To show ID, all he'd have to do is hold up a quarter". - Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. ~ Steven Wright.
; "Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect." - Steven Wright
A car crash between Mathew Wright and Joey Essex would be ideal. Throw in Steven Taylor anarl for good measure
Already think Steven Davies is a lad and that Mathew wright is a wanker
"I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast." ~Steven Wright |
I wouldn't be that scared of all the insects, I'd be more scared of Matthew Wright crawling into my sleeping bag at ni…
Mathew Wright looked like a right clown when they didn't pick him first
Matthew Wright looks like Phil Cool after the wind changed direction.
thinking Matthew wright is suits you sir!! Sort out your shirt son
Even wouldn't wear that shirt what Matthew wright is wearing.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. -Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. ~Steven Wright
"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit at any time, but it wouldn't matter." ~Steven Wright
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?" ~ Steven Wright
Steven is wright more than he is wrong
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." ~Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? -Steven Wright
Steven was wright, I dont need the meds. I need beer
Who replaces Torrey Smith in my lineup? Tim Wright, Rueben Randle or Steven Jackson?
Who replaces Torrey Smith in my lineup? Steven Jackson, Tim Wright or Rueben Randle?
*** yeah! like that scene in Coffee & Cigarettes where Steven Wright talks about drinking coffee before bed so he can dream faster
I thought it was Steven Wright? Even so, It is an expansion on his joke not same joke
My nephew has ADD and OCD. He hardly ever pays attention, but BOY when he does!!! - Steven Wright
Steven Wright: “Friend of mine has a trophy wife. Apparently it wasn’t first place.”
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ~Steven Wright
I got picked for jury duty this week.. its kind of a weird case... 600 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant... I don't think they did it... I know a few of them and none of them would do something like that... Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven Wright
“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?” Steven Wright
Champion Posted by: News Server 2 in Champion November 15, 2013 0 17 Views “In the Garden of Delight” was written by Lily Hardy Hammond in 1916. It looks like it will be a very interesting read. It is thought that this book is where the phrase ‘Pay it forward’ may have been coined. It is certainly a Champion notion. It is an old concept that goes back to Athens in 317 BC when it appeared in a play by Menander. Two thousand, one hundred and one years later on April 25, 1784, Ben Franklin described the idea in a letter saying, “It is a trick to do a deal of good with a little money.” Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote about it in an essay in 1841. Now it is showing up in The Champion News as Pete Proctor reports a lovely incident. He and Phyllis were in West Plains enjoying dinner the other day as a celebration of their first wedding anniversary when a man and his wife and daughter approached them and thanked Pete for serving our Country. The waitress stopped by later to tell Pete and Phyllis t ...
"I sat next to a gorgeous woman on the bus. After awhile we got to talking. She told me that she was a sexual deviant and had a fetish for jewish cowboys. Before I got off at my stop she asked me my name to which I replied 'Bucky Goldstein'" - Steven Wright
â€œIt is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest starsâ€ - Richard Evans,e can get me five, ~Steven Wright |
Light travels faster than sound--isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? -- Steven Wright
"If you're in a vehicle and you're travelling at the speed of light, and then you turn your lights on, would they do anything?" - Steven Wright
I came up with a one-liner that might be good for Steven Wright to use. Imagine this spoken in his voice: "I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, then I watched a David Lynch movie. That was counter-productive of me."
You can't have everything you want, cause where would you put it all~ Steven Wright
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. -Steven Wright
Want to say a BIG thank you to Steven Wright and Vickie Wright for letting use the camp this weekend! Kenny Osborne and I had a great time :) So wish one day we can have camp up at Toledo Bend.
Funny quote for the day... "I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it." - Steven Wright
Nice night for an evening...wouldn't ya say?--- Steven Wright
I leave for Costa Rica in 17 hours and I am actually prepared...send me positive energy on Tuesday while I facilitate an all-day workshop on assessment with 40 university EFL teachers...117 PowerPoint slides and a participant handout with 62 pages...hey, it's an overview of everything...like the dictionary is a poem about everything (Steven Wright, 1980-something).
I got number 7 so 7 things you probably don't know about me 1. I don't wanna grow up I'm a toys R us kid 2. I have a wooden leg but real feet (sorry Steven Wright I had to) 3. I wanna rock and roll all night...and party every day 4. sometime I think I am an *** and hope no one notices 5. the rest of the time I don't care who notices 6. I don't do silly things like this..the things people don't know about me they don't know for a reason 7. no one actually gave me a number,my mind wanders at work and I thought this would be funny
"I remember the time the candle store burnt down. We all stood outside and sang Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
As commissioned by Elijah Cross, here are 8 things you might or might not know about me. According to the rules, liking this status means you will then make a similar list, the number of items being of my choosing. 1. I wrote about 30-40 minutes of one-liners before I ever tried standup comedy. I would write them as if I was Steven Wright. I would tell them to people and do a set of my own and then a set of Wright's material. I was even just as deadpan and low energy as him. The first time doing this for a crowd was at Elliot Swain's house about 3 years before giving a go at standup. I still use a lot of these one liners today. 2. I got suspended from school, and the principal wanted to talk to my parents before I was allowed to return. Drew Gillespie called the principal and pretended to be my stepmom and boy was I "in trouble". I saw every movie playing at the Charles Theater over the next few days and hung out with Derek Reinhardt at Record and Tape Traders. This was one of several times I was ...
How about this: a hash tag-line from 1935 -- "To make men happy give 'em Corned Beef Hash" Will someone please contact comedian Steven Wright to have him add this pun to his repertoire?
So simple! Find "Weiner," flip the switch, Why's this so hard? can ask him what he meant, ~Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? -Steven Wright
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright (1955 - )
Steven Wright is excellent. He provided the skeletal framework behind that joke and I like to give credit where credit's due. Also, I'm good
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. ~ Steven Wright
The problem is, they couldn't repair their brakes, neither they horn louder. ~ Inspired by Steven Wright.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? ...Steven Wright
:-D "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography." Steven Wright
Sorta scary when some one says I got u something but its in my glove box, go get it!! A DVD of comedian Steven Wright. I wish I was that famous lol Thanks Cali.
"I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note...it's a start"-steven wright
Ha, my alma mater is closer to Dayton than many of these schools, yet is not in bold.
nice Steven Wright joke. Or is it Jack Handy's deep thoughts?
Steven Wright when we win the lottery I want to do this!
My son has HDADD. He has a hard time focusing but when he does its frickin amazing. Comedian Steven Wright
"I'm against protesting, but I don't know how to show it"- Mitch Hedberg "If you're in car going the speed of light, then turn on the headlights. What happens?"- Steven Wright
‘One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”’ Steven Wright
BONUS JOKE FOR THE NITE "I like my dental hygenist. I think she's very pretty. So every time I go to have my teeth cleaned while I'm in the waiting room I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies. Sometimes they have to cancel the rest of the appointments." Steven Wright.
JOKE FOR THE NITE "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?" Steven Wright.
Like it if it makes you smile! :-) My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright
‘I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.’ Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. ~ Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights, Not me, i'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright.
Jan Mulder The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
Steven Wright, last Saturday, sucked. Mumbled his way through his routine and didn't even try to get the audience in tune. What a contrast to the wonderful Bill Maher show the previous Saturday.
Day Thankful for my friends Autumn Wright and Steven Wright. Thankful that they "introduced" me to my husband. Thankful they saw something in both of us that they knew would be a great fit. I love you both!!
Doing the normal home routine laundry, dishes, clipping coupons n having fun when can, with the animals here n the occasional game. Love you Steven Wright you are awesome ;)
Dear Karen and Laura, remember what Steven Wright once said...It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature
"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?" — Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. -Steven Wright
there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? - Steven Wright
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. [Steven Wright]
I seriously thought Steven Wright died over ten years ago. He's not dead. He didn't even fake his own death or anything. I don't know why I thought that.
STEVEN WRIGHT is on 20th anniversary show of ! This makes me so happy. :D
"I like to read music and listen to audio books." - Steven Wright
I keep a jar of peanut butter and a spoon under my couch cushions for TV time snacking, ~Steven Wright RT
“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”. – Steven Wright
You can't find happiness, It's either a part of your life or it's not, ~Steven Wright RT
Watching absolutely dying! This is too funny. And Steven wright was hilarious!
Steven Wright is sick in the head!! If I tried his approach.. I'd tell everyone how ugly their kids are, last nights dinner looked like crap, their significant other needs to lose some weight, could careless about candy crush, your pet can go die & I *** sure don't care a out your giraffe riddle!
Watching Steven Wright still killing it on CONAN--especially the length-of-book joke.
my insomnia kicked in, watching Conan, and Steven Wright is on, best comic of all time, funny funny. have not seen him years.
Conan O'Brien is interviewing comedian Steven Wright and asks him what he's been up to. Steven Wright responds "reading music and listening to books on tape".
Steven Wright is the definition of coolness and calmness.
Steven Wright on Conan makes me really want to watch Reservoir Dogs all of a sudden.
Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises...gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the *** I'm really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to. - Steven Wright
An old Steven Wright joke: I bought some powered water but i couldn't figure out what to add.
When a woman tells you about her problems, that doesnâ€™t mean sheâ€™s comve forgotten this beforeâ€ - Steven Wright,
You miss me? but you're not doing anything about it,,, Sounds convincingke an *** ~Steven Wright RT
Steven Wright was Conan's only guest tonight. I suggest you catch the repeat in 30 minutes.
OMG.Steven Wright is on Conan...he is HYSTERICAL!!! I am not a Conan Fan by any stretch of the imagination.turned it on because of the guests that were going to be on.He (Steven) is even more funny or I should say funnier than ever!!! But...he did admit to be a Butterfly killer.but would not smash a butterfly cocoon...because then he has to answer to the Pro-Choice People!
"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?" -Steven Wright
Steven Wright, comedian and BHS graduate was on Conan just now and talked about Burlington. Friggen AWESOME
Conan O’Brien: Why would you kill butterflies?. Steven Wright: Because they’re arrogant.
Steven Wright, on Conan tonight, still hilarious
Steven wright on conan was hillarious!
Steven Wright was one of the first comedians I listened to (on cassette tapes.)
Ah...basking in the glory that is Steven Wright on Conan.
Steven wright still so funny first comedian I ever saw in my life live stand up with
Watching Steven Wright on & thinking "he's like the guy on the couch from half baked"... Turns out he really IS the guy on the couch
Steven wright is so freaking awesome
I just heard Steven wright laugh. that's something I never thought would happen
I was walking down the street.oh no, that wasn't me.Steven Wright line that I have adopted as my own, sorry Steven
I like reading music and listening to books on tape. (Steven Wright is a liferuler)
I didn't even know Steven Wright was still alive
Steven Wright would have the BEST pokerface.
Steven Wright is on Conan and it makes me think of
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