First Thoughts

Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer.

Red Sox French Toast Stephen Bishop Anthony Ranaudo Mitch Hedberg Wild West George Carlin


Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. - Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Steven Wright
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Steven Wright
I was born by Cesarean section. You'd never know it. But, whenever I leave my house, I go through the window." ~ Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an *** –Steven Wright
Thought it was interesting that looks like they have Steven Wright on the drums too. Not very funny tho:
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.Steven Wright
At McCoy Stadium for home opener. Steven Wright on the mound, opposed by Taylor Rogers for the Rochester Red Wings.
option RHP Steven Wright to activate Joe Kelly from the DL, as expected.
Who else did Steven Wright give a heart attack to?
I've got knuckleballer Steven Wright on one screen and non-knuckleballer Craig Kimbrel on the other. Contrasting approaches.
It's after midnight, so we now see Allen Craig pinch-hitting and Steven Wright warming in the bullpen.
If needed, the can get six innings out of Steven Wright. Probably getting optioned tomorrow anyway.
Steven Wright to get Saturday start against Yankees - WEEI blog Rob Bradford
I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright
Nope! They have Steven Wright! As if the rotation isn't a big enough joke as it is.
Talking to comedy legend Steven Wright later today for He'll be at the Wilbur next weekend.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.- Steven Wright
“I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.” ― Steven Wright …
W/ shootaround 2day at Emerson College, remembering old friend Conrad Smith. Called it "The Big E" & was 2nd famous grad to Steven Wright.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. Steven Wright
All I really want is an XM comedy channel thay only plays Mitch Hedberg, Demetri Martin, Steven Wright, and Brian Regan.
Season 2 of Serial should just be Sarah Koenig reading Steven Wright jokes.
‘I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.’ --Steven Wright
I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
My distributor and radio promotion people just put this out and I had to share: "We are pretty excited about the latest release by James Lee Stanley (his 27th) and The Apocaloptimist is the crowning jewel. James is not your typical artist by any means. All his releases have read like a who's who of pop, rock and blues with contributing artists like Bonnie Raitt, Sheila Escovito, Rita Coolidge, Robben Ford, Larry Carlton, Stephen Bishop, Russ Kunkel (James Taylor), Jim Gordon (Derek & the Dominos), Timothy B Schmit (Eagles), John Densmore and Robby Krieger (The Doors)...the list goes on and on and their participation is a testament to the calibre of music that James Lee creates. He has toured with most of the greats including Robin Williams, Steven Wright, Bonnie Raitt, Chick Corea, Art Garfunkel, Freddie Hubbard, Jorma Kaukenon... you get the idea. First featured in the Universal Syndicate's Cathy cartoon strip, James Lee went on to score all three of the CBS-TV Prime Time Specials, one of which won an .. ...
[1/2] Craig Ferguson to Steven Wright: "In 10 years I've never heard you talk so much." Cause you're usually talking about yourself!
Remember the Joe Pesci character from Lethal Weapon? Two woman talking @ next table make him seem like Steven Wright
"I was driving & saw a guy hitch hiking on the side of the road holding a sign that said heaven, so I hit him" Steven Wright
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently from most of us . . .. here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, . but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If ev ...
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the. road an hour. -- Steven Wright
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?". -- Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Steven Wright
"The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter." -- Steven Wright
(November ’99) Boston, MA – Orpheum Theatre – 5th Annual Comics Come Home – a stand-up comedy benefit for the Cam Neely Foundation hosted by Denis Leary featuring Jim Breuer, Dane Cook, Janeane Garofalo, Jay Mohr & Jon Stewart … ridiculously FUN(NY) night … it didn’t take us long to make some new, rather high-profile friends … Dane Cook – who stole one of OUR jokes as a result of what happened in a taxi we later shared with him – ‘You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time!’ and Steven Wright – who I love for his role in ‘Half Baked’ as ‘The Guy on the Couch’ – he affectionately dubbed one of us ‘Candy Selfish’ … ah, the memories!!!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - Steven Wright
A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory. ~ Steven Wright
Steven Wright continues to impress me every time I see him pitch
I plugged my phone in where my blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aa. Steven Wright. I love it. John Gross...
Quoter: I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters - Steven Wright
on the mound today in the Red Sox minors. Pawt: Steven Wright. Port: Keith Couch. Salem: Cody Kukuk. Green: Jamie Callahan. Lowell: Kevin McAvoy
The Orleans has Steven Wright, Don Rickles, Frank Caliendo, and Dana Carvey all lined up for later this year? Finally, things go my way.
First pitch swinging, Avisail Garcia lines a Steven Wright knuckleball to left for a single.
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. — Steven Wright
The genius of Ben Cherington's move today to option Alex Wilson & recall Steven Wright
today recalled RHP Steven Wright from Triple-A Pawtucket. RHP Alex Wilson was optioned to Pawtucket after yesterday’s g…
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film ~ Steven Wright ~ GoodMorning
The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost. went back in time. -- Steven Wright
if you love Louie then Patton Oswalt, Marc Maron, Sarah Silvermans 2013 HBO Special, some classics like Steven Wright, etc
Today's Inspirational Quote: . . "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." . . -- Steven Wright
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ― Steven Wright
Steven Wright is a really funny comedic >>
"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?" — Steven Wright
"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6." — Steven Wright
"I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. " — Steven Wright
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety." — Steven Wright
"You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time." — Steven Wright Exactly! That's my life.
"The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows." — Steven Wright
Steven Alan Wright has a show on 06/08/2014 at 06:30 PM @ Doc's Se... in Corpus Christi, TEXAS
"The doctor says he has to amputate all of me." — Steven Wright
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it." — Steven Wright
"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time." — Steven Wright
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." — Steven Wright Comedic Relief!
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. ~Steven Wright
Steven Wright this is our new house
Tonight we get CRAZY at Sutra! TIME TO UNLEASH A MAD FIRE BLAST! Free Guestlist Before 10:30PM if you say Steven Wright. Don't be late (9:45PM arrival suggested) Get ready to RAGE your FACE OFF!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. --. Steven Wright
Keenen Ivory Wayans: Well, Steven Wright, I thought you were a little too laid back. Your mumbling was distracting. Idk it didnt work for me
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see 'em at the beach. Pisses me off. ― Steven Wright
Internet marketing making wines at home, however I allow it to be out of raisins, so itll be older automatically. ― Steven Wright
"If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?" - Steven Wright
It very own STEVEN WRIGHT tonight at SUTRA! with a special performance you won't want to miss!!! Hit me up
“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ― Steven Wright
| If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? ~ Steven Wright
Whenever I think about the past, it's just bring back so many memories. ― Steven Wright
Hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights I hit the gas&ppl behind me stop&Im gone Steven Wright
Miche s Cyber Weekend Event - Savings up to 75%
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?" - Steven Wright
' I put instant coffee in a microwave and travelled back in time'. Steven Wright.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using? --> Steven Wright
come on folks please donate so i can reach my target thanks to yet another Jambo Steven Wright for his £5.01 cheers mate. Thats been 4 jambos and 1 hibby donating. all the hibbys better get the finger out lol here is how to donate folks
TONIGHT. Our very own Steven Wright taking over Sutra!. Bring the house down every time!!!. Doors open at...
"It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules." -Steven Wright
Going to be a good night tonight with Steven Wright! @ Sutra
Come Party with us tonight at with headlining DJ Steven Wright! Also special guest…
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" --- Steven Wright
When ever there is crappy, hard to watch news on TV, I migrate towards quotes of Steven Wright that put a smile on my face. Here's one! "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded" Have a good weekend everyone and stay safe! :)
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven Wright
June 6, 2014 "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'. Steven Wright Happy Birthday to my husband Michael. It is today isn't it?
Fun day with the daughter! Had to go to the dmv since apparently I lost her wallet and we needed to get her another permit. Also made her drivers test appointment! Then proceeded to have a phase 10 tournament with her after Denis Rosa and Steven Wright went to go work out. And even though I am competitive, didn't even mind losing on the last hand. She was pretty happy and she probably has learned some celebratory dance moves from me! Love days like these
Tampa's Alex Colome scattered four hits over eight frames to top Steven Wright, who went seven shutout frames, as Durham beat Pawtucket, 2-0, on Thursday.
Aside from obvious choices (L.C.K, Steven Wright, Eddie Murphy) I'd hafta go with Chelsea Peretti or Bryan Callen
Update your maps at Navteq
On to Friday; "Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears." — Steven Wright
A triple and a walk to start the 9th go for not as the Bulls close out a 2-0 victory over the PawSox. Steven Wright pitched a gem in the loss
I intend to live forever, so far so good! Steven Wright
Steven Wright When I saw this I thought of you
My brother Steven he is single ladies like him up Steven Wright
I am doing my own version of throwback Thursday. This is actually the second and third entries on my five plus year mission into the final frontier of fatherhood. October 8 and 9, 2008 Five or six times in my life (or at least the last 10-15 years) I have been compared by people who don’t know me very well (and some who do) to the comedian Steven Wright. If you don’t know him, he’s a fairly quirky guy who looks like he’s from Cambridge (People’s Republic, not England) and relates anecdotes and weird observations about life in a dead monotone while never smiling. Example: “I spilled spot remover on my dog, now I can’t find him.” I have no problem with the comparison, because I think he is dead on and very funny. One of his stories has always been my favorite: “The other day, someone asked me how I was feeling. I told him ‘you know that feeling when you’re leaning back in your chair and you almost tip over but you don’t quite? I feel like that all the time’”. My chair has been a ...
In June of 1985, the first of several HBO Comedy Specials "A Steven Wright Special" aired making Steven Wright one of America's favorite and most respected comedic minds. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. His style was so unique and his writing so funny that when Johnny Carson watched him debut on The Tonight Show, Carson insisted on wright retuning within two weeks. Very few comedians impressed Carson at that level. He began performing stand-up comedy in 1979 at the Boston comedy club the Comedy Connection. He cites George Carlin and Woody Allen among his influences. I never had the honor of crossing paths with Steven Wright but his television appearances and comedy specials were inspirational. When a comedian takes the stage with an act full of long form style jokes, he has to remember a few topics and the show will be ok. If each ...
Steven Wright, not Anthony Ranaudo will pitch on Saturday. Why does Ranaudo have suitcases at the ball park? Could it be a trade?
According to Steven Wright will start for the Sat. in Norfolk. Anthony Ranaudo was the scheduled starter. Interesting.
though Steven Wright would have been a better answer.
Steven James Wright Private First Class M CO, 3RD BN, 5TH MARINES, 1ST MARDIV, III MAF United States Marine Corps Norco, California August 18, 1947 to September 04, 1967 STEVEN J WRIGHT is on the Wall at Panel 25E, Line 112 See the full profile or name rubbing for Steven Wright... Operation Swift. The mission, involving forces of the 1st Marine Division, was carried out to rescue two Marine companies which had been previously ambushed by the North Vietnamese Army. Launched on September 4, the ensuing battles killed 127 Americans and an estimated 600 North Vietnamese. Despite their withdrawal after having suffered much higher losses, the NVA had accomplished their objective of inflicting remarkable American casualties. The operation, intended to be the fourth and the last of the 1967 operations in the Que Son Valley, began unofficially the morning of September 4 when Delta Company, 1st Battalion 5th Marines (1/5) was attacked before dawn by a superior PAVN force while setup in a night-time defensive perime ...
Steven Wright: "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
What a save. As clutch as it comes for Kaymer.
Ex keeper Richard Wright has more Premiership winners medals than Steven Gerrard.
Without a doubt, Kaymer just got one of the luckiest breaks in recent memory.
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It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -Steven Wright ☺
I think Steven Gerrard did more to win man city the premier league than Richard wright.
The Academy Award winning short film starring and co written by Steven Wright The Appointments of Dennis Jennings is a 1988 American short comedy film starring and co written by Steven Wright which won the Academy Award for Live Action Short Film at the 61st Academy Awards in 1988 Dennis Jennings St…
National sports columnists, Martin St. Louis just gave you your Mother's Day story for tomorrow.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? ― Steven Wright
Jordan Reasoner and Steven Wright of and authors of the book Surviving to Thriving are...
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be, if that didn't happen. ― Steven Wright
Richard Wright has won the Premier League, Steven Gerrard hasn't
Once I stayed in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was. ― Steven Wright
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly." - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it." ~Steven Wright RT
"I put instant coffee in a microwave - I think I've invented time travel" What's another word for "thesaurus"? Steven Wright 😂
Steven Wright on ! . "He has false teeth ,but he has braces on them" .
that is a start, switch roster with Vegas roster except starters and wright and Murphy
Richard Wright has won more Premier League titles than Steven Gerrard... And they say Gerrard is world class.
Little Giant Ladders
"What a nice night for an evening." - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
Black holes are where God divided by zero.-Steven Wright
Steven Wright- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
This is funny in a Steven Wright sort of way
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?. -- Steven Wright.
Richard Wright has more Premier League titles then Steven Gerrard.
"If it's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your 2 cents in, what happens to the extra money?" Steven Wright
Richard Wright has more PL medal's than Steven Gerrard. = You'll Never Win Again
So Richard Wright has more premier league medals than Steven Gerrard 😂😂
I have found a key if anyone is missing what looks like a door key, also a bag of chomps but I'm claiming them. I've also found one brown stripey sock? Any takers? Andrew Bailey I have found your green construction site card. Stephen Wall or Steven Wright let me know if you'd like the t-shirts keeping :-) hope everyone's not too broken xx
Happy mom's day to all the moms out there! I have to say it is the best job! Steven Wright, Lance and Abby you make my job so easy! Thank you for the honor of being your mom and letting me be involved in your lives. I am so proud!
Thought for today: If toast always lands butter side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast in the back of a cat and drop it? -Steven wright
"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world." -- Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. ( Steven Wright )
"In a past life I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. It was bad. I kept almost dying." Steven Wright lmao
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. -Steven Wright.
“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.” Steven Wright
"I like reminiscing with people I've never met; grant it, it takes longer." - Comedian Steven Wright.
Abby scratched on all her jumps this morning. Pretty proud she is out there even trying!! Now she and Steven Wright have the same record!
My Cousin was arrested for making counterfeit pennies. He went to a minimum security prison. They put him on a wiffle ball and chain. -Steven Wright
Only Steven Wright could come up with a book like this:" Stanley and the Magic Penny: Hitler's life story if he'd never been born, seen through the eyes of Dorothy Hamill"
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. (Steven Wright)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.--Steven Wright
Steven Wright and Natasha Wright we are praying for your mom Steven. I pray peace in this situation. Sorry to hear it.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. ~ Steven Wright
Steven Wright I love u so much that I just want u to be happy bab.
Steven Wright . This cat looks so cute just like u bab and I love u so much bab
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." [Steven Wright]
Collectible Lifelike Baby Dolls, Porcelain Dolls a
My favorite hobby is listening to audio book while I work. I just finished an 8 cassette collection of comedy legends from the Golden Age ( 1940- 1953 ) of radio. Bob Hope, Abbott and Costello, Edger Bergman and Charlie McArthey, Amos and Andy, Lucielle Ball, The Great Gildersleeve, etc... I thought it was all just mildly entertaining, and 'cute'. I guess that I'm too used to modern comedy, even though the comedy was much more family friendly back then. I have never liked the hardcore, or dirty/off color stuff. My taste are more Bill Cosby, Ray Ramono, Steven Wright, Jeff Foxworthy, Ken Davis, Chandra Peirce, stuff. Comments?
Use dinks seeing this ??? Steven Wright Mark Swash Deane Teasdale n especially this big daft dink Eyeball Paul Herlingshaw
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted." -Steven Wright
Steven Wright this looks so cute just like u bab
Steven Wright Really like u so much bab
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five —Steven Wright. How many can you get him.. Five or less??
Steven Wright I just love u and I just love u so very much bab
If heat rises, heaven might be hotter than *** ~ Steven Wright
I was called out to post my fav bible verse by Montana adams its john 3:3jesus awnsered and said unto him verily verily I say unto the ecept a man be born again he can not enter the kindom of god I also cal out April Ratliff Steven Wright Emily Williamson
Steven Wright I want u to read this
Steven Wright, 37,of Mitford Street, Stretford charged with Affray after incident in On his way to prison shortly.
I'm flipping through the channels and I come upon a radio show,..being broadcasted on television. Is this for people who can't afford a radio but has a tv...Is there that little creativity in these networks that they have to video these phony opinionated windbags. I'd rather watch snails in a leap frog competition commentated by Steven Wright! This whole radio on tv thing really puts a bee in my bonnet! *** you filthy apes..💪
So it is 9:35 pm and we are just getting home. Harper had a double header against the Tigers. The Tigers and the Tomboys played their hearts out, then harper and I rushed out to watch Trent's game. I come running up and Steven Wright says "you just missed your son get a triple!" I missed it but am so proud of Trent for getting that hit. After Trent game, the Blaze fans were going crazy. so I ran over to that field to watch. Proud of the Blaze for winning. I'm not sure I will be able to talk tomorrow due to all the yelling. who am I kidding, I can always talk! :-)
Congrats to Lauren Wright and Steven Wright on the birth of their baby boy Tripp. He is a sweet little guy. Jackson now has another play mate.
We caught back up with Red Sox knuckleball prospect Steven Wright today. Wright made his major league debut last season with the Red Sox. Steven shared some stories from his 2013 season and we look forward to sharing them with you!
Save up to 45% 0ff MSRP On Motorcycle Tires
It's hard for me to buy clothes, 'cause I'm not my size. ― Steven Wright
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. - Steven Wright
"I think God is going to come down and pull over civilisation for speeding: - Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. ― Steven Wright
Change is inevitable.except from vending machines.Steven Wright
Okay then. While I like to think I'm funny, it's not like I have the comic dexterity of a Steven Wright.
I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, "Happy birthday." ― Steven Wright
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Steven Wright
Steven mate just heard Matthew wright give u a shout out on celeb juice well done egg head !!
I think it's wrong only one company makes monopoly -Steven Wright
"My watch is three hours slow. I can't fix it, so I'm moving to California." Steven Wright
Vote the Wright way Steven Wright for student council 2014/2015
Comedian Steven Wright: "All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side. ― Steven Wright
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.Steven Wright
I'm making wine at home, but I make it out of raisins, so it'll be aged automatically. ― Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ~ Steven Wright
of the Day: "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." ~ Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ― Steven Wright
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright"
Last night we had all kinds of company Steven Wright and Ashley I miss that I didn't get to see them last night I was in my house bug Kevin Britney in Little Aston we had the whole game ,,, I was tanning ...
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? —Steven Wright
"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire." Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. - Steven Wright
"When I fell in love I learned so much, I didn't want to kill myself before that! - Steven Wright LOL!!!
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." ( Steven Wright)
I like to leave a message before the beep. -Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure. Steven Wright
Steven Wright blew my mind when he took out a fish heart.still beating.
Why do stores that are opened 24 hours have locks on their doors? Steven Wright.
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There are days that remind me that I have the best job in the world. Today was such a day. I showed a clip from Steven Wright in my first class, then spent an hour discussing whether stand-up comedy was an art, then two classes talking about alien abductions and cryptozoology.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. ~Steven Wright
One of my favorite comedians of all time... Steven Wright... most folks don't even have a clue as to who he is anymore... unless they recognize him as the "couch guy" from half baked. Basically, for the uninitiated, he's what Mitch Hedberg was, only LONG before Mitch...and a lot longer. (late comers seem to know Mitch)
i like to get up early and when i have nothing to do i drive downtown and find a good parking spot and sit there and count how many people ask me if i was gonna leave. -Steven Wright
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!" - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." - Steven Wright quotes from BrainyQuote.com
"If a person with 'multiple personalities' threatens suicide. is that considered a hostage situation?" -Steven Wright
To Steven Wright and to my bab i love u bab
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried(steven wright)
"I broke a mirror and I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck but my lawyer think he can get me 5" - Steven Wright
"It usually helps me write by reading -- somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear." -Steven Wright
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, t's always room temperature." --Steven Wright "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." --Sir Winston Churchill
Please be praying for Brentlee Wright, he is having tubes put in his ears today! Brentlee is the son of Steven Wright & Kellyn Wright
"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension." — Steven Wright
Breast Cancer Awareness
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house - Steven Wright.
Tell a man there are four hundred billion stars, and he'll believe it. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. -STEVEN WRIGHT
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. ( Steven Wright )
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Steven Wright
The Easter service at Ebenezer was wonderful today! Thanks to Lucas, Kevin Wright, Steven Wright, Rebecca Roberts, Lisa Roberts Pool, Jamie Adams, and everyone for all you do every week! We appreciate all you do for us!
"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.” Steven Wright
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. ( Steven Wright )
If God dropped acid, would he see people? - Steven Wright
God is good! I'm very blessed to be able to do a 2 week camp down here in Texas with Team Takedown. I was asked to stay another week to help Chas Skelly get ready for his UFC debut, he is gonna kill it! Tune in April 19th everybody. Another great muay thai session with Steven Wright! I'll be more than ready for my fight May 31st at Mystic Lake Casino!
So proud of my husband Steven Wright. After years of smoking, he decided to quit in November. It's been tough, but I am happy to say that he has successfully become a non-smoker. Good job Honey!
Devin Oliver was asked about how perfect of a Sr year this feels for him. Scoochie behind him said a championship makes it better.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. ~ Steven Wright
"This is the great stage for them to shine." Archie on the fan support.
"The best moments of our season has been when we've stuck with everybody." Archie on depth.
This is the new Dewalt 20Volt Drill Set I won at Home Depot last week Steven Wright.
Craig Breslow placed on 15-day DL w/ mild left shoulder strain. also place Steven Wright on 15-day recovering from sports hernia
On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright
Breslow officially placed on DL by Sox, as is Steven Wright.
Additionally, RHP Steven Wright was placed on the 15-day DL (retro to 3/21) while recovering from right sports hernia surgery.
is on its way to the Elite 8, defeating Stanford 82-72 in the Sweet 16 in Memphis. UD plays Saturday at either 6:15 or 8:45pm.
Stanford doesn't have a field goal in the lasr 4:14.
Clock ran 35 seconds off. Not a bad outcome.
Oliver in transition. Largest lead for UD at 14.
but the one I think most hilarious would be Ron White doing Steven Wright Lmao
harkens Steven Wright: "I've written several children's books...but not on purpose."
73-63 3:36 to go. Elite 8 on the line.
Hustle by Oliver. And then Nastic fouls out.
Stanford is 10-17 now in the second half from the field, has only cut the halftime deficit by two.
Kavanaugh and-1, Powell in disbelief. Now has four fouls with Nastic.
Kavanaugh attacks Nastic with four fouls. Smart play. UD back up double digits.
Hamilton Collection
Vee Sanford got this jumper off over Stanford's length during the first half in the Sweet 16.
Stanford starters have 55 of their 57 tonight, and four in double figures. Bench points are 27-2 UD. Nine different guys have scored for UD.
In hour replay showed that to be an iffy call.
And it's been called a flagrant one.
Robinson and Scott both with four fouls now.
"The Man" version of Devon Scott just made an appearance.
First time Stanford has given up more than 60 in this tournament, and it took less than 30 minutes.
Phil was a friend of mine. He was killed walking into a walk-in closet. He was walkin' way too fast and way too far. -- Steven Wright
Stanford indicating they're calling a timeout after this ref review.
Too easy for Scoochie down the lane.
We always loved to wrestle . Got cuz this hurts so bad. I love you so much Steven Wright.
Seriously! Did he take a swig of MJ's secret stuff?
...Men's hearts are failing for fear, but a man that is prepped for war will stare death in the face and still war... Steven Wright
..It's only in the heart where truth is revealed... Steven Wright
This is a better pic than the selfie Steven Wright tried to do earlier lol
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"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?” ― Steven Wright
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