First Thoughts

Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his Fuzzy Memories and My Big Thick Novel shorts.

Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Saturday Night Live Phil Hartman Bill Murray

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey --->> MTSo fans of Redskins' team name are like climate deniers
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books." -Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an ...
"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted." - Jack Handey.
"first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, Go ahead, do whatever you want, it's ok by me.'" - Jack Handey
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’” -Jack Handey
. “I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” – Jack Handey
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." - Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to y...
Every day I wake up and realize how much I miss Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone." Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other ...
GUEST CORNER: "Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey"--- I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. ~Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting. - Jack Handey
Who came up with the name Monkey Bread? Is it an old primate family recipe that they all go ape for? Deep thoughts by Jack Handey.
I know some of you think I'm on FB all the time...Well, I am logged in while I work, and take a break from same, frequently. Some of my postings are 'Jack Handeys' and some are not at all but this one, well, you be the judge..John Matson "The letter 'F' should be a vowel...", jus' sayin'
Jack Handey: "Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm ...
it's all yours :) (except i kinda stole it from Jack Handey and Prince)
"I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around." - Jack Handey
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone …
“If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.” - Jack Handey
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Jack Handey
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling." Jack Handey
I need more Jack Handey books to be published. I'm completely addicted.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. —Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. —Jack Handey
I think Jack Handey stole this from Dewey. Or was it Freire?
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. —Jack Handey
The Jack Handey stuff cracked me up, Jack Handey was a Texan
PerfectMatch - Fall In Love Today
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? --Jack Handey
"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend." Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. —Jack Handey
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. —Jack Handey
Jack Handey ("Deep Thoughts"--Saturday Night Live, back in the day) to the crafters of the Common Core testing: "Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?"
Jack Handey's Deep Thought: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
Its easy to sit there and say you'd like to have money. And I guess that's what I like about it. Its easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. -Jack Handey. yo *** up and work for it.
And now Deep Thoughts by, Jack Handey. You know what frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, or the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.
Why isn't there at least 2-3 "deep thoughts by jack handey" every season of SNL. I mean, really...
My wife just tried to fast forward a Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey sketch. Divorce has never been a more realistic option
“I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain." -Jack Handey
If you met two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which do you think would like dolphins more? You'd probably say Flippy. But you'd be wrong. It's Hambone. -classic Deep Thought by jack handey
Toonces The Driving Cat was invented by Jack Handey, naturally
devastating truth I learned through app 'Secret': my contacts talk less like 'Mean Girls' & more like 'Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey'
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.-Jack Handey
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
23 Jack Handey - Jack Handey is best known for his extensive collection of surrealistic one liners known as "Deep Thoughts" and his "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Born in Texas, Handey started his career as a reporter, but was fired for offending local car dealerships. He landed...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes– Jack Handey
When will someone forge the world's most perfect union and publish a book of Lydia Davis's short stories and Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts?
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. Jack Handey's DEEP THOUGHTS
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! - Jack Handey
Lol-- "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." --Jack Handey
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks Jack Handey
Jack Handey's Deep Thought: If you’re robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
"Blow, ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise." --Jack Handey
This Monday's "Get Out of Bed" manipulation scheme: "Jacob, as soon as I see your feet on the floor, I'll give you a "Deep Thought" by Jack Handey." (It worked.)
Reminds me of a Jack Handey joke. People say the dove is a symbol of peace, but what about that dangerous beak?!
“You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of 'accidentally' brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress." Jack Handey
All too often I find myself abandoning rationality and thinking Deep Jack Handey
Still waiting for to pump out a Jack Handey Deep Thoughts feat. Donald Sterling next Saturday.
Laptop insurance - because accidents happen!
And now Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Thank you, , for letting both the best, and worst, of Jack Handey live on
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm,...
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick that tastes like Kool-Aid. - Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Just thought this was funny SNL Quotes I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.". - Jack Handey
Watching this SNL digital shorts collection is worth it just to see all the Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey.
I miss Jack Handey and his deep thoughts
Before Benjamin button by Jack Handey The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of yo...
"Let's be honest...Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?". - Jack Handey "Deep Thoughts" -
"If I ever get really rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now." -Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
"Dad always said Love was the best medicine, I guess that's why several of us died of tuberculosis." -Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.-Jack Handey
No matter how bad Saturday Night Live got in the early nineties, you still had Norm MacDonald and you still had Jack Handey.
I find it interesting that Cary Elwes and Robin Wright didn't have bigger film careers following The Princess Bride. It came out in '87 and neither did much til Twister ('96) and Forrest Gump ('94), and then nothing much since those flicks. Deep thoughts by Jack Handey.
I don't watch much late night TV anymore, but Letterman + Jack Handey basically defined what I find funny. I hope Dave m…
"I remember the first time I ever saw a shooting star I said, "What the *** is that?" But nowadays when I see one I just say, "What is that?" I leave off the *** part. Maybe when I'm old I'll just say, "Whazzit?" Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one s
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ Like jewels in a crown the precious stones glittered
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ If youre a boxing referee its probably illegal to wea
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar
that is because you are STUUU and not Jack Handey.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ One thing a computer can do that most humans cant is
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty ki
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks yes
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ Laurie got offended that I used the word puke. But to
When I was 7, I told Timmy Barker I'd give him $1 million to eat an earthworm. As of last week, all I'd given him was $9,840 - Jack Handey
Advice from Jack Handey: Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
Who remembers Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey that was featured on SNL way back? Well, he's still at it.
Reading your random thoughts is like reading the works of Jack Handey.
I can't tell if this is deep like theology or deep like Jack Handey.
Raise your hand if you remember Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
"I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.". - Jack Handey
Nice MONSTER SCOOTER review an uncynical zine, reminds me of underground Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.) - Jack Handey
A man can be destroyed but cant be defeated. ...Deep Thoughts by Jim "Jack Handey" Harbaugh
Are you day-dreaming of warmer climes? Well, the legendary Deep Thoughts and New Yorker humorist Jack Handey has written his very first novel -- a hilarious, absurd, far-flung adventure tale. Read "The Stench of Honolulu" by Jack Handey!
One thing Vampire Children don't have to be taught early on: Don't run with a wooden stake. ~ Jack Handey
Reading "The Lost Deep Thoughts (Don't Fight the Deepness)" by Jack Handey to my niece, Elizabeth. That's right, Jared Alexander! That is what's happening! (I need to buy more kids' books!)
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way." Jack Handey
GUEST CORNER: "Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey"--- I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
In his book Fuzzy Memories, Jack Handey writes: There used to be this bully who would demand my lunch money every day. Since I was smaller, I would give it to him. Then I decided to fight back. I started taking karate lessons. But then the karate lesson guy said I had to start paying him five dollars a lesson. So I just went back to paying the bully. Too many people feel it is easier just to pay the bully than it is to learn how to defeat him.
Here is my Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey moment for Tuesday! Why do we let the ones who reject us affect us???
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey "It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."
Did you ever notice how much Andrew Harms sounds like Jack Handey? Something to ponder today...
Electronic Device Insurance
"Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet." -Jack Handey
And now more deep thoughts by jack handey, I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
FUNNY QUOTES. There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva. Josh Groban I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Robert McCloskey I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you. Unknown Mortal Trans-Siberian Orchestra I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Olivia Wilde I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. Oscar Wilde Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. Ariel Naya Rivera I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. Oscar Wilde It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good ...
Deep Barbell Thoughts by Jack Handey: "The deadlift used to be called the 'health lift.' But then the person who called it that died, and that's why the name got changed."
Embedded quicktime movies, tiled "paper" background, shadowed images, big ornate fonts, and Jack Handey? The 90's called; they want their webpage back. Some advice from a web designer friend: "Make it big, make it bold, make it centered, and make it blink!"
Welcome to the Quotes Center One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. --A. A. Milne Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. -Robert Benchley Imagination is more important than knowledge. -Albert Einstein May you never meet a mouse in your cupboard with tears in his eyes! -J. C. Furnas When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat. I also eat when we're rained out. -Tommy Lasorda There is no free lunch. - Milton Friedman There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know. -Roger H. Lincoln I don't know who my grandfather was; I'm much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. - Abraham Lincoln And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. -Abraham Lincoln It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -Abraham Lincoln "What would you do? Cut a great road through the law to get after the Devil?" "I'd cut down every law in England to do that." "Oh ...
Jack Handey on the narrator of THE STENCH OF HONOLULU: "It's not me, and I'm not the Deep Thoughts guy. He's sort of a borderline psychopath. I mean, he's like a dangerous person who thinks he's normal. I hope it's not exactly like me. Maybe a little bit. Or more. Like the Deep Thoughts guy."
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad." Jack Handey
More thoughts by Jack Handey: To those who have read the book "Love Wins", today marks one more day of living in quasi *** on earth. Not to disappoint, perhaps tomorrow at least for me will be one more like heaven. Is there an actual place where, God in His omnipotence, deems sinners damned for eternity? Jesus tells us not to fear those who can destroy the body, but to fear the one who can send us to *** Again, is *** an actual place? In the old covenant God separates Israel from the rest of the "reprobates", (goats and the sheep), to me that seems cut and dry. In the new covenant or testament God grafts the gentiles in the Jewish tradition. And through the work of Christ allows those who believe in Him to not perish and have everlasting life. I think we need to make a distinction here. If the prophesy of Joel 2 is coming to pass then we need to make sure that although God is moving profoundly through this dispensation, this epoch in time, His word is still timeless. I don't believe we can "ju ...
And now it's time for Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." Jack Handey
New Thoughts By Jack Handey Jr Sometimes I think about a line from my favorite song; 'Mommy's got a squeeze box, Daddy never sleeps at night.' It's funny how different that song would be if you used bag instead of box.
Sitat 2 (også Jack Handey): "If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, Like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car." ~ Jack Handey
Haven't done one of these in a while. Jack Handey quote of the day: "Whenever I start thinking that I'm not living up to my potential, I remind myself of the old farmer and his fight to the death with the insane pig. It's an exciting story, and it takes my mind off all this 'potential' business."
I want piñatas at my funeral so people can be happy, but filled with bees so they're not too happy.~ another Deep Thought by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella." - Jack Handey
Last book for 2013.The Stench of Honolulu by Jack Handey. Pretty dumb, with some funny one-liners. Just what I expected from Jack Handey. :)
"Here's to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off"- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Here are musings on life from Lisa (kind of Jack Handey, though not as deep!): 1. Use the good stuff all the time.we only go around once! 2. Hug your children every single day.often more than once a day! 3. Use I love you when you feel it.that is always "the perfect moment"! 4. Love God first and foremost with all your heart.he loves you too! 5. Share that love with is what we are made to do! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
“Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?” ~~ “Deep Thoughts", Jack Handey
Before there were snarky internet memes — way back in the dark ages of the '90s — there were Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. For the uninitiated, Deep Thoughts was a brilliantly satirical Saturday Night Live segment that set wonderfully absurd reflections and non-sequitirs on life and love against a b...
For Greg Hobson.its like a Jack Handey card.
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
I was looking for a famous quote and found this. Jack Handey was a bit on SNL some years ago. I can still hear the voice. Jack Handey Deep Thoughts: When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'
Jack Handey never fails in putting a smile on my face. - The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'
Does anybody remember when " Deep thoughts by Jack Handey" were on Saturday Night Live! I have always thought that show was sooo funny! This makes me feel old, but I remember when Dan Akroyd, John Belushey and Bill Murray were on there. My mom would even watch it.Anyway, I think Deep thoughts was on Around the time that Phil Hartman was on, but not sure (RIP- he was great!)Anyway, I still have two of those books they printed with the funny sayings.They are all dry and sarcastic, but it was the way he used a soothing voice when he said them, made them all the more funnier, so... I decided I am going to start posting some for a good laugh! Hope some of you remember those.Here is the first one." If you are being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things.Just keep on running." Lol. From the book " The Lost Deep thoughts(Don't fight the deepness) by Jack Handey.
The Best Advice of the Year By Craig Ballantyne It was my golden age of television. When I was thirteen years old, I’d race home from my Sunday morning hockey game, rewind the tape in the VCR, lie on the family room floor out at the old farmhouse, and watch a recording of the latest episode of Saturday Night Live. Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon. Colon Blow. Happy Fun Ball (still legal in 16 states!). Church Lady. Deep thoughts by Jack Handey. Those names and skits still bring a smile to my face almost 25 years later. Even Stuart Smalley. Do you remember that character played by Al Franken? Smalley was a parody of the self-help and affirmation world, with a catch-phrase he’d repeat to himself in a mirror, “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!” It wasn’t a character that would elicit a great belly laugh, but a smile and a chuckle all the same. Stuart Smalley’s advice, however, won’t get you very far in the real world. Affirmations might give yo ...
"When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me." Jack Handey
Chunk of gold from Jack Handey: "If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the *** are you supposed to carry it?!"
A Jack Handey book and a bottle of jag. Twas a good Christmas
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest so will I
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ Its easy to sit and scoff at an old mans folly. But also check
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength I hate to tell
. YES! . (you made me think of deep thoughts by jack handey : P )
The Stench of Honolulu by Jack Handey is hilarious!
but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.- Jack Handey
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the onl... - Jack Handey Deep
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when i look down and see i forgot to put on my pants. -Jack Handey
A thought by Jack Handey - "If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Ke...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
Jack Handey: "If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or...
Shop The Bradford Exchange Online for Patriotic 9/
Just reminded me of a Jack Handy thought. Look up SNL Jack Handey on youtube & you'll understand what.
It's just a random thought that crossed my mind as I was having a brain exercise. Did Jack Handey write something like that?
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."~ Jack Handey
"I come in peace seeking gold and slaves" . -- Jack Handey
‘The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.’” Jack Handey My new favorite joke ever.
Can't sleep, so I'm up reading "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey. Those things still crack me up after all these years!
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. - Jack Handey
LIST OF THINGS TO DO TOMORROW (via Jack Handey). 1. Wake up 2. Yawn 3. Untangle self from sheets 4. Brush teeth 5. Read newspaper and shake head in disgust. Then read newspaper and shake head at how good it is. 6. Shower and get clean, but no so clean it's like you're bragging. 7. Put lids back on things from previous night. 8. Look for ants, and write down number of ants seen. 9. Compare with yesterday's ants. Compare with yesterday's ant list. Note upward or downward trend on ant graph. 10. Put on fake mustache and walk around town. Take off fake mustache, walk around town again, and look for surprised looks on faces. 11. Go to lake to fish, and if I catch a fish name him Rudy. If I don't catcth a fish, shake my fist at the water and yell, "Well, you win again this time, Rudy!" That's enough for one day.
"If u drop ur keys in river of lava, let em go, because man, they're gone"-Jack Handey (also how I feel bout the book the post office lost)
I guess I kinda lost control because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
if you double a recipe do you always double the ingredients?.deep thoughts by Jack Handey lol
I'm glad that my favorite "Deep Thought" from age 11 was the one Jack Handey cited as his pithiest:
If they turn out nice, I'll make some for charity iA, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back, - Jack Handey
,,, healing love and prayers sent ,,,orms when I thought, 'What am I doing' ~ Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At f...
forget Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts by David Giuntoli - coming to your coffee table soon.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are. -- Jack Handey
If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy - Jack Handey
I’ve never made a Freudian *** // megan amram is our generation’s jack handey. cherish her. cherish.
My Honolulu reading list consists of a short story collection by Jack London and a novel by Jack Handey. Both set in Hawaii, both by an author named Jack. The similarities end there.
"Whenever anyone says 'I can't,' it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says 'I'll try,' five thousand bees. ('I can,' one bee.)" - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. ~ Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
GUEST CORNER: "Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey"--- A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby!"
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the long end of a stick. -Jack Handey
Be true to who you are, Stop trying to other people or be someone else,ound metal hat ~ Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
reminds me of some Jack Handey Deep Thoughts.
does anyone else's mind get going, and then you can just hear Phil Hartman saying "and now, deep thoughts by Jack Handey"?? my mind needs to take it down a few notches..
"If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. "~ Jack Handey
"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out." ~ Jack Handey
Breast Cancer Awareness
Jack Handey quote about Absurd - November 25: If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real ...
"Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
"I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Good morning my I'm thankful to be alive! Be productive inacula AND Superman away ~ Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
People don't grow tired of loving,,,but tired of waiting man, ~Jack Handey http:SnagDepot,comlinks,htm
Every man is guilty of the good he didn't do *** for when you get bit by a rattlesnake ~ Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
"Once I wanted to build the world's longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it." ~ Jack Handey
"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy." - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas." - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me." – Jack Handey
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. - Jack Handey
"You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood." ~ Jack Handey
"Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes". Happiness is when he stops. -Jack Handey
Jack Handey quote of the day: They say the mountain holds many secrets but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain."
Watching Glee when I heard a line in Piano Man that says "When I wore a younger man's clothes". I suddenly realized that I wear a younger man's every day. Every single day. Deep thought. Jack Handey has nothing on me.
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
QOTD: If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. -- Jack Handey
i think we should all take a moment today, 50 years after the kennedy assassination, to quietly reflect on the insightful words of jack handey: "I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."
I wonder if Jack Handey of "deep thoughts by jack handey" would think that "Black Friday" took place 4 times every February instead of the day after thanksgiving.
Every time I get ready to post my thankfulness posts, a voice in my head says... "and now, deep thoughts... by Jack Handey" ... some of you will get this, sadly... some won't.
I don't kare about slander or that libel//i'll go kobra kommander on a rival// Slay LaVey apt ta Beat Pastor Murda Mase Betha to death with the Black Bible//thought ya flow was live, but you dead on arrival// just some Deep Thoughts not by Jack Handey...
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it --- Jack Handey
"As we were driving, we saw a sign that said ‘Watch for Rocks.’ Marta said it should read ‘Watch for Pretty Rocks.’ I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke — just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!" - Jack Handey
"Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, 'Woohoo, we're rich!' It turns out he meant something different."- Jack Handey
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and Superman away."- Jack Handey
Bill Braskey craddled me like a newborn mongoose last night as Jack Handey told me a bedtime story...and I was drunk.
"If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song." — Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.~ Jack Handey
That title conforms to the Jack Handey rule of comedy: Push it one step further. Compare: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer / Outcast Siberian Leper.
MORE THOUGHTS, QUOTES & FUNNIES ... for a Monday: I have the world's oldest globe. It's flat (Buzz Nutley) I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual way, by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could (George Bernard Shaw) Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it (George Bernard Shaw) Sometimes I wonder if I am patriotic enough. Sure, I want to kill people ... but on both sides (Jack Handey) Ask not what you can do for your country ... for they are liable to tell you (Mark Steinbeck) You can't be a real country unless you have a beer & an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons. But at the very least, you need a beer (Frank Zappa) -What state do you live in? -Denial. (Anon) Where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? (Christina Aguilera) My hometown is so dull that the drugstore sells picture postcards of other towns (Milton Berle) I hate small towns - because once you've seen . ...
Is there anyone more purely funny than Peter Sellers? Maybe save for Bill Murray. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or...?
And now.Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey: "Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
SNL writer writes a novel: Jack Handey Is the Envy of Every Comedy Writer in America -
Right-of-passage for freelancers create something for a wedding. Instead of a guestbook inspired by Jack Handey.
"I decided to channel my anger. And by channeling, I mean combining it with drinking." -- Jack Handey from The Stench Of Honolulu
Heard on NPR - Jack Handey Revels In 'The Stench of Honolulu', writer of "Deep Thoughts" on SNL
For the longest time I was confused as to whether Jack Handey was a real person or a fictional character:
Write your own Deep Thought and Jack Handey himself might make you a winner: Don't forget to add
Dang, Jack Handey and Chuck Klosterman both have new books out. What's a girl to do?
Soon I will have the new Jack Handey book. Until then I’m just sitting here by the mailbox.
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.-Jack Handey
A funny, fantastic interview on NPR this morning with Jack Handey. You know, of "Deep Thoughts" SNL fame. :)
Jack Handey will pick winners in our Deep Thoughts contest. Send them along tagged details:
World Cup President Obama Steve Ballmer Elliot Rodger White House Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki Maya Angelou Press Secretary Jay Carney Hillary Clinton Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Phil Mickelson Donald Sterling Breaking Bad Jay Carney Roy Hodgson Los Angeles Eric Shinseki Walter White Ferris Bueller Willis Tower Mariah Carey President Barack Obama Million Ways Kim Kardashian Silicon Valley Carl Icahn Seth Macfarlane French Open Edward Snowden Scout Willis Elon Musk San Francisco Reading Rainbow Question Time Joey Barton Star Trek Rolf Harris Tony Blair Los Angeles Clippers North Korea Memorial Day Kanye West David Cameron Middle East Tiananmen Square Wall Street Bilderberg Group Josh Earnest Andrew Flintoff Gwyneth Paltrow Larry Page Leeds United Exchange Commission Red Sox National Spelling Bee Las Vegas Mario Kart 8 Federal Bureau New Jersey Home Page Highland Park New Zealand Kevin Pietersen White House Press Secretary Winterbourne View State Dept Ed Miliband West End Virgin Galactic Barack Obama Family Guy Real Madrid Trayvon Martin Sky News Katie Price Marilyn Manson Mutual Fund Internet Explorer 8 West Point Stephen Sutton Arsene Wenger Secretary Eric Shinseki Santa Barbara Vitalii Sediuk Daily News Good News George W. Bush Eastern Europe Ariana Grande Piers Morgan Jersey Shore Arsenio Hall Bret Michaels Isla Vista Bryan Stow Casey Kasem Demi Moore Princess Charlene Bruce Willis

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