First Thoughts

Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his Fuzzy Memories and My Big Thick Novel shorts.

Deep Thoughts Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Nobel Prize Marx Brothers


Franken is not the smartest of senators... and that's saying a lot. This is his jack handey moment
Many investigative reporters are saying that the secret source known as 'Deep Thought' is actually Jack Handey.
LOL Does Sen Franken know you stole his "Deep Thoughts" mantra that HE stole from Jack Handey?
Jack Handey - The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear but also at important meetings. ~Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars here's a tip-why not add a slice of lemon to each jar 4 freshness?~Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
“I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” – Jack Handey.
Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise. - Jack Handey
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!. ––Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
the best way to tell all your friends that you could also google, copy, and paste Jack Handey quotes.
My portfolio in a Jack Handey quote
I have never been the same since I heard talk w/ Jack Handey about TALES OF FRAUD AND MALFEASANCE IN RAILROAD HIRING PRACTICES.
You keep having these Deep Thoughts. Who do you think you are, Jack Handey?
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you say 'Deep Thoughts', I instantly think 'by Jack Handey'
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Would be better if there was a beautiful swan flying over, w/ a beautiful painting and also you were drunk - Jack Handey SNL
The time is ripe for a Jack Handey return:. Deep State Deep Thoughts
My dad used to say, "Always fight fire with fire." Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. ––Jack Handey
How I Should Be Depicted in the Movies by Jack Handey! Art by
A giraffe's coffee is cold when it reaches its stomach. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.
If could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?. - Jack Handey
If me and Jack Handey ever met Mark Twain, I'd shut up and let them talk. Unless they didn't find my ankle .38
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and ...
Make the world safe for our children...but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. -- Jack Handey
I know it's a serious point, but it just reminds me of this from Jack Handey:
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capabl...
Does anyone else besides you and me remember Jack Handey?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known...
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for. paneling. -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate. I can picture us attacking it, because they'd never expect it…
Jack Handey - All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Jack Handey - It is in their 'good' characters that novelists make, unawares, the most shocking self-revelations.
also. What does being jack handey mean. Like he was trying to be like him? I'm confused.
"The leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake." -Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where th...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if h...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's. got to be a better way. -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Manki...
Such Deep Thoughts! Did you come up with this one by yourself, or did you swipe it from Jack Handey?
I think is the new Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
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And now Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
On they could make things more interesting if on the nature landscape shots they added "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey.
I think wants to write for the new "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" segment on SNL.
Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey over here.
I'm picturing this read aloud, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey style
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catchin...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk aro...
I forgot about Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey! And how stupid it was 😂
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse ...
yeah, we're deeper than Jack Handey.
The campaign with is one of the best I've seen. Shades of Jack Handey? I'm in. via
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astron...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clar...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody. First...
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I think is bringing back SNL's Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...but with
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat - Jack Handey
☜[check Amazon] 4.0 out of 5 stars. Jack Handey as an Angry, Pugnacious Drunk in a Bird Sui…
Just a little ditty, and some Deep Thoughts, 'bout Jack & Diane Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, ...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength I hate to tell you this but thats another weakness.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stran...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay t...
Jack Handey covered this particular issue
I was thinking I could give Jack Handey a run for his money. . *Deep Thoughts
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because man that really annoys me. - Jack Handey
How rich is Jack Handey?: The post How rich is Jack Handey? appeared first on Richest Celebrities & Celebrity...
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis ~Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Sometimes I think Id be better off dead. No wait. Not me you. no
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Deep Thoughts.. by Jack Handey? Nope, its The Hoff! My Question: Who makes me laugh the most? Answer: YOU!
Jack Handey: If U R a horse, and someone gets on U, and falls off, and then gets right back on U, I think U should buck him off right away.
Ok you don't follow me. Deep Thoughts was a 90s SNL bit of one liners by a "comedian" named Jack Handey, read by Al Franken
Would u rather have DQ Blizzard, Gelato,or Frozen Yogurt?Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
Trying to look up Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts on Amazon.
Ready for a weekend of Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey.
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.". ― Jack Handey (born Febru…
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it because do you hide from it or not wow
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose - Jack Handey
is this not a deep thought from Jack Handey??
Just read The Stench Of Honolulu for the fifth time. Jack Handey is the greatest comedy writer of all time. Hope y'all know it
They had a poet laureate? I figured they would contract that stuff out to Jack Handey or someone like that.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If you wear a toupee why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on were not going to hurt it. :-D
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad; & then I think, ah who cares? And then I think, hey what's for supper? - Jack Handey
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Consider the daffodil. And while youre doing that Ill be over here looking through your stuff. wow
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts A quiz If I am my brothers keeper who am I Answer me. Ha
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Its too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. :-D
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we`ll never know. By Jack Handey
All I want for Christmas is Jack Handey to write another hilarious book.
Wow. Thanks, Jack Handey. I'll refocus my efforts on my "soil."
I shall do the scratchin'. Jack Handey: If you can't expect a pear of a web site
taking over where Jack Handey left off
I do the same thing always. For like the past 20 years. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey was my fave before & after commercials
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Laurie got offended that I used the word puke. But to me thats what her dinner tasted like. wow
If we had spent congressional funds on more Jack Handey Deep Thought lists we would fully understand dark money.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one o...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts When you go for a job interview I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. :-D
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Sometimes I wonder if Im patriotic enough. Yes I want to kill people but on both sides. :-)
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. By Jack Handey
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. --Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I dont think Im ever more aware than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. :)
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Dont ask me why but it works. ):
Instead of bldng bigger weapons of mass destruction, mankind should get more use out of the ones we already have. -Jack Handey
A man doesn`t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. By Jack Handey
.w/has a theory on Kobe's current state a la 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey' .
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey.
Jimmie Walker told me he used to have Letterman, Leno, and Jack Handey all write for him.
Tyson is the Jack Handey of physics.
Very old joke, and it was Jack Handey not Connolly.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Id rather be rich than stupid. ok
If they ever played who said it, Les Miles or Jack Handey? That would be the hardest game ever.
Jack Handey: If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
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Sometimes I think is a parody, like that "Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey" skit that used to be on SNL
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. :-)
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor ...
I feel like any minute this will segue into "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey."
Oh my god, Ben Carson might be Jack Handey.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something lik...
Meanwhile on Bono's daughter is giving a Jack Handey to some dude.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a ...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. ...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Sometimes I think the socalled experts actually ARE experts. :-)
"When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa did. Not like the screaming passengers in his car." - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Its easy to sit and scoff at an old mans folly. But also check out his Adams apple Ha
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. ~ Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history in every culture is the story of Popeye. wow
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts The tiger cant change his spots. No wait he did Good for him no
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Deep Thoughts on brain science by Jack Handey
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy. -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
-- wise words and Deep Thoughts from jack handey - err I mean ray
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king because I like people to do what I say. yes
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Broken promises dont upset me. I just think why did they believe me wow
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If life deals you lemons why not go kill someone with the lemons maybe by shoving them down his throat ok
It sounds like he's about to introduce a poem by Jack Handey
If you like humour writing check out this Kickstarter for a new mag ft. *** legends like Jack Handey & George Meyer
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. ...
Deep Thoughts by the Jack Handey of the LES @ Second Avenue (IND Sixth Avenue Line)
This is very similar to a Jack Handey:.
Jack Handey and The Far Side. Not sure why anyone tries to write sentences anymore.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. - Jack Handey
Ladies and Gentlemen I give to you Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks yes you can talk but LISTEN TO YOURSELF wow
The NBA season starts today, but we contain multitudes, so you've got a sec for on Jack Handey's sentences
I wish I could laugh as hard as 11 year old me seeing a new Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Im telling you just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me yes
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts One thing a computer can do that most humans cant is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. :-o
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Too bad theres not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk because youd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. Ha
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. - Jack Handey
It's refreshing that Jack Handey has survived to the next generation.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If youre a boxing referee its probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. no
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts In weightlifting I dont think sudden uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. yep
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
Me writing about my hero, Jack Handey!
On the hilarious, one-period wonders of Jack Handey, courtesy of
It beats old man Smithers reading off index cards like its a "Deep Thoughts" By Jack Handey skit...
Curious why Jack Handey worked in names of former Detroit Tiger greats Norm Cash & Gates Brown during his interview.
Jack Handey on public executions in So dark. So hilarious.
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"People would laugh at my plain, unfashionable codpiece." —Jack Handey
A new Jack Handey Shouts to brighten your Monday morning. It's about public executions.
Jack Handey writes the best jokes, always and forever:
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If any man says he hates war more than I do he better have a knife thats all I have to say. :-D
Are you the Jack Handey of Westeros now?
Jack Handey: I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If U ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, 'cause I bet that will really throw U into a panic.
That Jack Handey quote is one of my favourites.
"Nobody's the phone company any more!" Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Cant the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems theyve caused ok
Ian Frazier's essay on Daniil Kharms: probably the first time Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey has appeared in
(For your deep thinking earth day thoughts...) Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, 'if trees screamed, would we be so cav…
but for a more serious answer, George Meyer, Jack Handey, Tim Meadows, Jane Curtin?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bus...
If you're auditioning to be the next Jack Handey, congratulations.
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this is a Jack Handey joke. Like... Exactly.
I think it's kind of sad that today's generation won't be growing up with Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts.
Who knew that one day everyone would mimic Jack Handey? The man is a visionary.
should bring back Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Yes, this is totally hilarious. But are 40 or so mind-altered quips really a book? … http:…
I liked a video from THOR reads Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey - For the Ladies
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one swollen shoe for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. ):
.hope he never leaves the booth. John Madden + Jack Handey = Jon Gruden
how very Deep Thoughts, Jack Handey of you :) 🍔
I will if you do it in a Jack Handey voice. Extended thoughts, by Lewis.
this reads so much like a Jack Handey writing
because of sunday nights Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, er my guess is 👶
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. -- Jack Handey
If you're a young mafia member and you're out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if somebody tries to ki…
Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner'.
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Today I was finally inconvenienced by the Amazon/Hachette thing. Jack Handey book threatened to ship in two weeks. Now it’s personal, Amazon
"I came in peace, seeking gold and slaves." - Jack Handey .
We need Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey to be on SNL again.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's wha...
it's a mix of Jack Handey and oversincere Drake. With pictures of wolves staring into lakes.
Would those thoughts make Jack Handey proud?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just qu...
Jack Handey "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, 'Go ahead, do whatever you want, it's ok by me.'"
mmm, Jack Handey, my favorite philosopher.
Fully loving One More Thing. Jack Handey's influence is present in the best way. A great look into Novak's super weird brain.
"When I die, I hope someone says 'he sure owed a lot of people money'" - Jack Handey
Jack Handey looks back on working with Phil Hartman on 'SNL'
I'm sorry but listening to Boomer talk about Ray Rice I keep thinking of 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey' skit.
Actual line from Jack Handey’s Wiki Page: “Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.” Lulz
I nominate Jack Handey to replace Dom Pardo as the announcer for SNL. A voice we all recognize, and a talent we respect.
torn between whether this sounds more like a "Deep Thought" by Jack Handey, or rather something would say.
If trees could scream, would we keep cutting them down so much? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey
It was Jack Handy's idea to blame you.
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very...". by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
i hope Life aint a BIG JOKE,because i don't get it.. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey:. Great story? "Something about a clown who makes people happy but down inside he's really sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."
Don't know what to think about these Matthew McConaughey Lincoln ads. It's like Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey w/Wooderson at the wheel.
I'll buy you a tattoo of the Jack Handey quote, "Hope dies last."
And now.. Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey sosial funny
I hope life isnt a big joke, because I dont get it...! [Jack Handey]
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Jack Handey might be the funniest man who ever lived.
"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I" (Jack Handey Deep Thoughts)
What's that Jack Handey bit about a beautiful sea and a beautiful sky and a beautiful bird and a beautiful painting and also you're drunk?
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