First Thoughts

Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his Fuzzy Memories and My Big Thick Novel shorts.

Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Marx Brothers Nobel Prize


If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose - Jack Handey
is this not a deep thought from Jack Handey??
Just read The Stench Of Honolulu for the fifth time. Jack Handey is the greatest comedy writer of all time. Hope y'all know it
"Blow ye like the trumpet blows, but without that noise. " - Jack Handey. -Nina Y.-
They had a poet laureate? I figured they would contract that stuff out to Jack Handey or someone like that.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If you wear a toupee why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on were not going to hurt it. :-D
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad; & then I think, ah who cares? And then I think, hey what's for supper? - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Consider the daffodil. And while youre doing that Ill be over here looking through your stuff. wow
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts A quiz If I am my brothers keeper who am I Answer me. Ha
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Its too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. :-D
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we`ll never know. By Jack Handey
All I want for Christmas is Jack Handey to write another hilarious book.
Wow. Thanks, Jack Handey. I'll refocus my efforts on my "soil."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. By Jack Handey
I shall do the scratchin'. Jack Handey: If you can't expect a pear of a web site
taking over where Jack Handey left off
Collectible Lifelike Baby Dolls, Porcelain Dolls a
I do the same thing always. For like the past 20 years. Deep thoughts by Jack Handey was my fave before & after commercials
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Laurie got offended that I used the word puke. But to me thats what her dinner tasted like. wow
If we had spent congressional funds on more Jack Handey Deep Thought lists we would fully understand dark money.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one o...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. yep
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts When you go for a job interview I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. :-D
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Sometimes I wonder if Im patriotic enough. Yes I want to kill people but on both sides. :-)
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is dont run with a wooden stake. :-D
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. By Jack Handey
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. --Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I dont think Im ever more aware than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. :)
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Dont ask me why but it works. ):
Instead of bldng bigger weapons of mass destruction, mankind should get more use out of the ones we already have. -Jack Handey
A man doesn`t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. By Jack Handey
.w/has a theory on Kobe's current state a la 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey' .
Jack Handey 'Deep Thoughts': If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength I hate to tell you this, but thats another weakness.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey.
Jimmie Walker told me he used to have Letterman, Leno, and Jack Handey all write for him.
Tyson is the Jack Handey of physics.
Very old joke, and it was Jack Handey not Connolly.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Id rather be rich than stupid. ok
If they ever played who said it, Les Miles or Jack Handey? That would be the hardest game ever.
Jack Handey: If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our chi...". by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Sometimes I think is a parody, like that "Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey" skit that used to be on SNL
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If I ever get real rich I hope Im not real mean to poor people like I am now. :-)
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. :-)
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor ...
I feel like any minute this will segue into "Deep thoughts with Jack Handey."
Oh my god, Ben Carson might be Jack Handey.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something lik...
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go. Because man, they're gone." - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Sometimes I think Id be better off dead. No wait. Not me you. :)
Meanwhile on Bono's daughter is giving a Jack Handey to some dude.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a ...
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. ...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Sometimes I think the socalled experts actually ARE experts. :-)
"When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa did. Not like the screaming passengers in his car." - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Its easy to sit and scoff at an old mans folly. But also check out his Adams apple Ha
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. ~ Jack Handey
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history in every culture is the story of Popeye. wow
Jack Handey: I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts The tiger cant change his spots. No wait he did Good for him no
Deep thoughts on brain science by Jack Handey
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy. -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
-- wise words and deep thoughts from jack handey - err I mean ray
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king because I like people to do what I say. yes
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Broken promises dont upset me. I just think why did they believe me wow
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If God dwells inside us like some people say I sure hope He likes enchiladas because thats what Hes getting :)
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If life deals you lemons why not go kill someone with the lemons maybe by shoving them down his throat ok
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it because do you hide from it or not :)
It sounds like he's about to introduce a poem by Jack Handey
If you like humour writing check out this Kickstarter for a new mag ft. *** legends like Jack Handey & George Meyer
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. ...
Deep thoughts by the Jack Handey of the LES @ Second Avenue (IND Sixth Avenue Line)
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear but also at important business meetings. Ha
This is very similar to a Jack Handey:.
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Jack Handey and The Far Side. Not sure why anyone tries to write sentences anymore.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. - Jack Handey
Ladies and Gentlemen I give to you Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks yes you can talk but LISTEN TO YOURSELF wow
The NBA season starts today, but we contain multitudes, so you've got a sec for on Jack Handey's sentences
I wish I could laugh as hard as 11 year old me seeing a new Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Im telling you just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me yes
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts One thing a computer can do that most humans cant is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. :-o
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Too bad theres not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk because youd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. Ha
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. - Jack Handey
It's refreshing that Jack Handey has survived to the next generation.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If youre a boxing referee its probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. no
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts In weightlifting I dont think sudden uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. yep
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
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Me writing about my hero, Jack Handey!
On the hilarious, one-period wonders of Jack Handey, courtesy of
It beats old man Smithers reading off index cards like its a "Deep Thoughts" By Jack Handey skit...
Curious why Jack Handey worked in names of former Detroit Tiger greats Norm Cash & Gates Brown during his interview.
Jack Handey on public executions in So dark. So hilarious.
"People would laugh at my plain, unfashionable codpiece." —Jack Handey
A new Jack Handey Shouts to brighten your Monday morning. It's about public executions.
Jack Handey writes the best jokes, always and forever:
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts If any man says he hates war more than I do he better have a knife thats all I have to say. :-D
Are you the Jack Handey of Westeros now?
Jack Handey: I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
It takes a big man to cry,. but it takes a bigger man. to laugh at that man. - Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If U ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, 'cause I bet that will really throw U into a panic.
That Jack Handey quote is one of my favourites.
"Nobody's the phone company any more!" Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Cant the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems theyve caused ok
Ian Frazier's essay on Daniil Kharms: probably the first time Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey has appeared in
(For your deep thinking earth day thoughts...) Deep thoughts by Jack Handey, 'if trees screamed, would we be so cav…
but for a more serious answer, George Meyer, Jack Handey, Tim Meadows, Jane Curtin?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bus...
If you're auditioning to be the next Jack Handey, congratulations.
this is a Jack Handey joke. Like... Exactly.
I think it's kind of sad that today's generation won't be growing up with Jack Handey's Deep thoughts.
Who knew that one day everyone would mimic Jack Handey? The man is a visionary.
should bring back deep thoughts by Jack Handey
Yes, this is totally hilarious. But are 40 or so mind-altered quips really a book? … http:…
I liked a video from THOR reads Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey - For the Ladies
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one swollen shoe for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. ):
.hope he never leaves the booth. John Madden + Jack Handey = Jon Gruden
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how very Deep Thoughts, Jack Handey of you :) 🍔
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and save...
I will if you do it in a Jack Handey voice. Extended thoughts, by Lewis.
this reads so much like a Jack Handey writing
because of sunday nights Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, er my guess is 👶
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. -- Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
If you're a young mafia member and you're out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if somebody tries to ki…
Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner'.
Today I was finally inconvenienced by the Amazon/Hachette thing. Jack Handey book threatened to ship in two weeks. Now it’s personal, Amazon
"I came in peace, seeking gold and slaves." - Jack Handey .
We need Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey to be on SNL again.
“I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” – Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's wha...
it's a mix of Jack Handey and oversincere Drake. With pictures of wolves staring into lakes.
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Would those thoughts make Jack Handey proud?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just qu...
Jack Handey "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, 'Go ahead, do whatever you want, it's ok by me.'"
mmm, Jack Handey, my favorite philosopher.
Fully loving One More Thing. Jack Handey's influence is present in the best way. A great look into Novak's super weird brain.
"When I die, I hope someone says 'he sure owed a lot of people money'" - Jack Handey
Jack Handey looks back on working with Phil Hartman on 'SNL'
I'm sorry but listening to Boomer talk about Ray Rice I keep thinking of 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey' skit.
Actual line from Jack Handey’s Wiki Page: “Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.” Lulz
I nominate Jack Handey to replace Dom Pardo as the announcer for SNL. A voice we all recognize, and a talent we respect.
torn between whether this sounds more like a "Deep Thought" by Jack Handey, or rather something would say.
If trees could scream, would we keep cutting them down so much? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey
It was Jack Handy's idea to blame you.
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very...". by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
i hope Life aint a BIG JOKE,because i don't get it.. - Jack Handey
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Jack Handey:. Great story? "Something about a clown who makes people happy but down inside he's really sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."
Don't know what to think about these Matthew McConaughey Lincoln ads. It's like Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey w/Wooderson at the wheel.
I'll buy you a tattoo of the Jack Handey quote, "Hope dies last."
And now.. Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey sosial funny
I hope life isnt a big joke, because I dont get it...! [Jack Handey]
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Jack Handey might be the funniest man who ever lived.
"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I" (Jack Handey Deep Thoughts)
What's that Jack Handey bit about a beautiful sea and a beautiful sky and a beautiful bird and a beautiful painting and also you're drunk?
A fantastic article about Jack Handey by
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
or check out The Stench of Honolulu by Jack Handey. It's hilarious, you'll breeze right through it
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watc...
One of the few bylines that appeared in Army Man but never on a Simpsons episode: Jack Handey
As far as I know, both John Swartzwelder and Jack Handey are real people, and not the same people.
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A half memory, but I seem to recall some Simpsons fans long believed Swartzwelder was Jack Handey, which many thought was a pen name.
You know what's aggravating? That I can't even pay NBC Universal to watch old Jack Handey SNL clips. FU.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Shower Thoughts With Nick Offerman // OK, this is obviously lifted from Jack Handey, but: it's much funnier.
Please let this become the new Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey: Simply Genius Shower Thoughts With Nick Offerman …:
They're all better than Jack Handey's virtually identical book, at any rate, and that got reviewed everywhere.
Finally, a worthy heir to Jack Handey.
How did Jack Handey not make the cut?
You neglected to list Jack Handey as numbers 1-5.
"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that di...". by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
'em go, because, man, they're gone." -- Jack Handey
. LOL :D. that's like a spiritual successor to deep thoughts by jack handey :)
Is this like a Jack Handey quote, or a serious thought?
"The temple's bells seem to be calling my name", thought Dong. (My apologies to Jack Handey).
Jack Handey as kid in deep thought...
I wanted to read some Jack Handey ... the little Deep Thoughts books? The Stench of Honolulu? What I'd Say To The Martians?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down. - Jack Handey.
Deep in thought after watching 'deep thoughts by Jack Handey' @ My Palace
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. Jack Handey
Quotes of The Day August 13th I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood. Tom Hanks (1956 - ) The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), Following the Equator I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. Jack Handey (1949 - ), Deep Thoughts All the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway. Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972), Letter to his sister, Nov. 14, 1947
"Anthony Jeselnik: The Love Child of Jack Handey and Ravishing Rick Rude" more like the love child of Lady Gaga & Tin Tin
Of all the causes of astronaut insanity, getting a fly caught inside your space helmet is probably in the top three. -Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey --->> MTSo fans of Redskins' team name are like climate deniers
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books." -Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an ...
"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted." - Jack Handey.
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’” -Jack Handey
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." - Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to y...
Every day I wake up and realize how much I miss Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other ...
GUEST CORNER: "Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey"--- I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Who came up with the name Monkey Bread? Is it an old primate family recipe that they all go ape for? Deep thoughts by Jack Handey.
I know some of you think I'm on FB all the time...Well, I am logged in while I work, and take a break from same, frequently. Some of my postings are 'Jack Handeys' and some are not at all but this one, well, you be the judge..John Matson "The letter 'F' should be a vowel...", jus' sayin'
Jack Handey: "Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm ...
it's all yours :) (except i kinda stole it from Jack Handey and Prince)
"I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around." - Jack Handey
“If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.” - Jack Handey
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Jack Handey
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling." Jack Handey
I need more Jack Handey books to be published. I'm completely addicted.
I think Jack Handey stole this from Dewey. Or was it Freire?
The Jack Handey stuff cracked me up, Jack Handey was a Texan
Jack Handey ("Deep Thoughts"--Saturday Night Live, back in the day) to the crafters of the Common Core testing: "Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?"
Jack Handey's Deep Thought: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
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And now Deep Thoughts by, Jack Handey. You know what frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, or the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.
Why isn't there at least 2-3 "deep thoughts by jack handey" every season of SNL. I mean, really...
My wife just tried to fast forward a Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey sketch. Divorce has never been a more realistic option
“I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain." -Jack Handey
If you met two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which do you think would like dolphins more? You'd probably say Flippy. But you'd be wrong. It's Hambone. -classic Deep Thought by jack handey
Toonces The Driving Cat was invented by Jack Handey, naturally
devastating truth I learned through app 'Secret': my contacts talk less like 'Mean Girls' & more like 'Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey'
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